My forever birthday. It is finally here. 'Finally' sounds like I have been anxiously awaiting its arrival, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I have never been one to worry about age, but something about 29 makes me feel as though I have reached the beginning of the end, or perhaps the end of the beginning. I am not sure which of those I would prefer it to be. I have gotten through these last few weeks resting on one of those cliché resolutions to make this last year of my 20's the best year ever, but as the sun came up this morning I decided I was being silly. I don't need the pressure of a number to dictate the next 365 days. I don't need to create some forced and unattainable bucket list just because that is what you do when 30 is nipping at your heels. No, I need to get back to my roots.
For a good while now I have been unknowingly feeding one of my worst habits: searching. In my late teens and early 20's, I was definitely one of those people on a never-ending quest for...something. I dabbled in so many different pursuits, toyed with countless different career choices and moved across the country more times than my bank account actually allowed - always searching for some sort of calling. Settling on just one direction was terrifying to me. Over and over, I came back to the same industry: event planning. And over and over, I returned to Texas. And it is only now, 10+ years later, that I have finally decided to accept that this is who I am, where I should be and what I should be doing.
Why now? Why have I accepted all of these fates now? Not because 30 looms. But because now, for the first time ever, I don't see choosing a path and putting down roots as a sentence. In fact, I have learned to think of it as the opposite. After so many years, I can't begin to tell you what a relief it is to finally have an identity. And to finally understand that my identity is not a limit. I don't have to be just a mother, just a wife, just a medical transcriptionist, just a runner, just a banner maker or just a blogger. I can be all of these things and so, so much more. I can enjoy all the advantages of making Texas my home base, and I can travel to the places I dream of living. The time I spent not committing fully to who I am (and who I want to be) handicapped me in ways I wasn't even aware of.
Do you remember the t-shirt business I started? And then the headband shop? Both of which were open at the same time as my successful party decor operation? I was doing what I always do - using the fear of defining myself to justify continuing that crippling search. The time, effort and money put into all those side ventures was siphoning away resources - including creativity - that should have been used to grow my main business.
So now, empowered by the idea that I know who I AM and who I can BE, I am getting back to my roots. We made the decision to accept Texas as our forever home should that be the case. And I made the decision to focus on SweetOrangeFox Party Decor as my sole shop. It occurred to me that we mustn't be afraid to define ourselves. It is not a limitation. Think of those words with definitions that span pages and especially those that have changed completely over the course of history. A definition, to me, gifts a feeling a purpose but is also open-ended.
The excitement I feel is tangible. I am not just okay with defining myself (in part) as banner maker; I am bursting at the seams! No longer will I lose sleep and precious productivity worrying about walking this road, but I will now be able to put so much more of myself into it than ever before.
Maybe, just maybe, this actually will be the best year ever..