Sweet Orange Fox

I can't BELIEVE I published that last post..I was SO hesitant to do so, and I should have known I would jinx myself. Just hours after leaving the doctor who told us to relax and that everything would be fine..it wasn't. We decided to go to an outdoor mall and walk around for a while so I could burn at least a few calories since I wasn't supposed to be exercising. We had a nice walk, went to dinner and then to see my parents. On the way home I felt a few twinges but just ignored them, remembering the advice our doctor had JUST given us...relax, calm down, don't worry, things will be fine. When we got home and I got out of the car I knew something was wrong. I immediately went to the bathroom and (TMI) saw that I was gushing bright red blood. Like..TONS of it. I already knew what was happening, but being Friday night I decided to call the doctor just to get his opinion and advice. He told us with that much bleeding we should go to the ER even though there is nothing they can do about a miscarriage at that point anyway.

So after 10pm in the rain we headed to the ER. Thankfully we were the only ones there so we got in quickly, but nothing else after that happened any quicker than a snail's pace. GEEZ the emergency room is the slowest thing EVER. Anyway after an eternity, some blood work, talking to several nurses and doctors, trying to process what had happened and already planning a new cycle of IVF in our heads, I was taken for an ultrasound. I had heard horror stories about ER ultrasounds and not being allowed to see the screen or ask questions or anything, and now I see just how true (and how awful) the stories were. The tech refused to speak, and I knew better than to ask any direct questions. After the ultrasound I was wheeled back, and we waited again. FOREVER. By this time it was after 1am and we were exhausted. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed and cry and start to grieve.

But then the doctor came in and said "Well, your ultrasound looks fine. Baby is where it is supposed to be." And Matt and I looked at each other like..."HUH?" We really were in shock. We both had fully expected and accepted that this pregnancy was over. We really could not believe what we were hearing. How could everything be okay with all that blood? Then the doctor went on to tell us that I had a subchorionic hematoma (SCH), another crappy one to add to the glossary. SCHs are apparently not uncommon, but the placement and size of them is what matters, and she had no information on either of those things. She just said that "there is one there." She said to stay in bed and rest and call the doctor on Monday. Before we were even discharged from the ER we were both on our phones googling. It seems that these blood clots form between the wall of the uterus and the placenta and can detach the placenta altogether, causing miscarriage. Usually they reabsorb into the lining, though, so now we had something else to cross our fingers for.

On Monday morning we went to the doctor who did another sono and saw the hematoma. It was HUGE. He says it is not the smallest he has seen but not the biggest either. He said most of the time if they heal themselves it will be around 20 weeks. It didn't take me long to calculate that that was a FREAKING LONG time away from where I was. And to top it off...he ordered bed rest. No leaving the house, no doing anything. I know this is all worth it in the end, but it is just getting exhausting. I have basically been on bed rest since the retrieval at Valentine's, and I am going a little crazy. And yes, if this all works out, then of course it is worth it. But if it doesn't work out...it really BLOWS. We have invested so much into this and sacrificed so much, and we keep getting knocked down and picked back up with little glimmers of hope again. I have said it before and I'll say it again...what a rollercoaster.

For now we just have to feel blessed that we have been given yet another chance. That the ER trip turned out a BILLION times better than we thought it was going to, even if not perfect. And that we are still in this. Our next appointment is this Friday, and I have been paralyzed with fear. This will be almost exactly the date last year that we went in and saw no heartbeat, and I am so scared it is going to happen again. But I am trying to keep my spirits up until we know for sure. I don't think I will ever be able to relax and stop worrying during this pregnancy, but right now I just need to look ahead to the next step each time and focus on getting through that. I will update again after Friday's appointment.

So I am VERY cautiously and hesitantly writing this post. People everywhere seem to want me to just let go and be optimistic, but I just can't allow myself to be quite yet.

This past weekend, on my birthday of all days, I started bleeding. This whole time I had worried about having another missed miscarriage where my body doesn't recognize there is something wrong and so there are no physical signs of miscarriage...no bleeding, etc. So when I saw the blood I absolutely freaked out...I had been worrying about NOT seeing anything and forgot how terrifying it would be to actually see something. I called the doctor who put me on immediate bed rest and scheduled an early sono on Monday, and I settled in to prepare for the worst.

On Monday thankfully the sac was still there, and the very beginnings of a baby and heartbeat were visible. We were THRILLED. But then we noticed a little blip next to the sac. It appears as though the other embryo had implanted and then failed to progress which would account for the bleeding and what looked like a collapsed sac. I have to say I am of course over the moon that we have one baby doing well at this point, but I am still incredibly sad that we lost the twin. I think all along I had thought that having twins might make me feel less "behind." In my mind I always think by the end of this year I would have a one year old if the last pregnancy had worked out, and I guess the thought of having twins at the end of this year kind of made up for the fact that I was already going to be a year behind. It is irrational, I know. All that matters is we have one healthy (so far) baby snuggling in. I just had to vent that...but believe me I am absolutely ecstatic that we have been as lucky thus far as we have.

I was released by my RE and turned over to a new OB. I LOVE him, love the office, love the staff, etc. I was pretty nervous about going to someone new since I thought so highly of my previous OB, but I am more than happy with the change. We had an appointment today, and even though it was so soon after the ultrasound with the RE he decided to do another since I had had a bit more spotting these past few days.




As I said...I am VERY hesitant to even acknowledge this pregnancy yet as there have been so many little things that are just "off," but I have to be happy that we have made it this far and are still in the game. We were measuring at 6w2d which is a little bit off and even a little bit off going by Monday's ultrasound, but the doctor reassured me this could just be the margin of error with measuring something so tiny. The heart rate was 117 which also makes me very nervous. I have been reading about 6 week heart rates being MUCH higher, but again the doctor assured me that anything over 100 is acceptable at this point. I suppose I need to just stop worrying and let what will be, be. It's just that my betas were low, then I had bleeding, then we possibly lost the twin, then the heart rate is in the "low end of normal," etcetc. I just want one time to hear "this is perfect! Things are looking perfect!" I think the only thing that is really going to help me relax at this point is to just be further along. Come on time. We have another appointment scheduled for March 30, and I hope I can last until then.

In other news, I am seriously unrecognizable. Baked white cheddar cheetos have completely ruined my life. Well, that and about a month of bedrest. I am a walking tub of cottage cheese...@#$!@$ you, bathing suit season! Not quite sure what my plan is for that yet.. I keep telling myself this is ALL worth it though. And it truly is.

Until next time.

Today's beta is in.

11dp3dt: 31

13dp3dt: 75

15dp3dt: 174

So again the number more than doubled, but again it is still on the lower side of average. I want to be excited, but I definitely still have my guard up. For now we are going to think happy thoughts, though!

I am so hesitant to post this for fear of a jinx. I cannot even begin to allow myself to use the "P" word. I still don't believe it. There are still SO many things that could go wrong and SUCH a long road ahead. Plus my numbers are still very much on the low side which could mean disaster at any given moment. But I've decided I am going to hope for the best and try to enjoy these moments while I can. Beta #2 is in.

11dp3dt: Beta 31
13dp3dt: Beta 75

So there you have it. The number doubled which is good news, but the numbers are still SO very low. I will have another drawn tomorrow, and it needs to at least have doubled (150) but preferably have surged to the 200's. Many people say you need to have a minimum of 100 by 13dp3dt for the pregnancy to go on and develop correctly, but I am hoping I can be the exception to the rule.

We are being VERY cautious and trying not to get excited, but it is impossible not to get our hopes up. Please, please, PLEASE don't let us be crushed. Will update tomorrow with follow up beta. As always, cross your fingers. It seems to be working so far..

So now I think I am REALLY being screwed around with. After a morning of crying, eating girl scout cookies, crying, eating a bag of Cheetos, crying some more and watching the better part of Dexter: Season One, I decided it was time to get my act together. Contrary to popular belief I DO have a job, and work needed to get done. So I pulled myself out of bed, Cheeto crumbs coming with me, and sat down to work. But not before a trip to the bathroom, naturally, to use whatever test was lying around. I had had two cups of coffee and Diet Coke this morning so did not expect much, but here is what I got: (the bottom test on each picture):






PLEASE someone tell me what in the crap is going on. This is just too much for me to take. I always compare this journey to a rollercoaster, and I keep getting reminded just how true that is. The pink tests show yesterday, this morning and this afternoon. The blue tests are the inside of digital tests which all showed positive..Sunday, Monday and then this afternoon. Both the bottom pink test and the bottom blue test are from the same pee sample...so I am wondering if maybe that sample was a total fluke. Do Cheetos have a high level of hCG in them or something?? Where is this coming from? I have been having even more spotting today than the past few days so I just don't know what to think. Of course, though, my hope has been restored. After all I said about never having any hope or optimism again...here I am...hoping against all hope that maybe these tests really mean something. I am so scared of the letdown I will face tomorrow if not. Another day with another high and another low.

Yes, you are seeing that correctly. Let me just tell you about the past few days. Don't get excited. I woke up over the weekend finally having sort of wrapped my head around the fact that we failed this cycle...that we would be facing another god knows how many more months or years of struggle...that we would be out thousands and thousands of dollars MORE....that we were back to square one...etc. But I had a few pregnancy tests leftover and decided to take one just for the hell of it. I was absolutely SHOCKED when a line appeared. I thought NO way. So I used another. There it was again. Then a digital. "PREGNANT." OMFG. This was unreal. I woke up a very grumpy husband and made him look at the tests before his eyes were fully adjusted to the 15 lights I turned on, but he could see it too! We were SO excited, but we still knew to be cautious. Later that day I took more tests, and the lines got darker. Amazing. Maybe this could really be it.

Cue the spotting. And the cramping. And the headache. I knew at that moment it was all over. My tests the next morning were considerably lighter, and the spotting continued. I had a beta which came back at a whopping 31. And by whopping I clearly mean craptastic. This is a VERY bad, VERY low number. Considering I had gotten a positive digital test over 24 hours prior to that, my level should have been much higher. I know it has already dropped.

This morning I took another couple of tests which were again even fainter, and the spotting has picked up. So I ate half a box of Samoas and cried a lot. Again.

I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like I just want to die.I don't ever want to see anyone or talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything ever again. This is too much for my little soul to take. This has ruined me, and I will never be the same. I will never be happy again. I will never trust or believe in anything again. I will never have hope or optimism ever again. I just want to be alone in a bubble where god can't hurt me anymore.

I am 6dp3dt and have lost all hope. Tested today and...wait for it...big shocker...BFN. I am feeling so down. No symptoms, no hint of a line, no nothing. It would be one thing if this was just a failed cycle with good eggs. Then there would be hope for the future. But no..I have completely shittastic eggs.

Everyone keeps saying it is early and not to lose hope, but I have heard that every month for a year and seem to always know better. I will try and keep a little bit of hope, though, as I always do...only to have it crushed. Maybe one day things will turn out differently.