Remembering 2011 - Part Two: The Infertility

Don't worry...I promise all of my posts won't be SO dauntingly long...stick with me here, people! We are almost through 2011, and believe me I want to get through with it just as quickly as you..

APRIL 2011, cont'd.

14th - The actual miscarriage is "over," and I have a positive ovulation test on this day. It could be from the leftover hCG in my system (my HPT is still positive), OR I could be ovulating! We get mixed advice from the doctors but decide to go ahead and "try" anyway. In the past weeks I took to reading all sorts of TTC (Trying To Conceive) blogs and found countless stories of women getting pregnant just weeks after their MC.

MAY 2011

19th - I FINALLY get my period. I never thought I'd be so happy for this to happen! Praise the LAWD! Even though this means I was not only of the lucky ones who got pregnant between miscarriage and my first period, it DOES mean that the God-awful waiting is over and I am finally on to my first "real" cycle post-MC.

29th - Almost like clockwork, I get a positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit, also known as ovulation test) on CD11 (Cycle Day). HA! I beat you, system! My cycles are totally regular already! Boo ya! (If only that were true...) Later in the month I get my usual BFN.

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST 2011

TTC naturally all summer long...BFN, BFN, BFN. My choice of "F" words becomes slightly more inappropriate each month. At least we take a couple trips to try and keep our minds off things..Vegas, Mexico..nice distractions but would trade it all for that one BFP!



Playa del Carmen, Mexico


Vegas, baby!


SEPTEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLE ONE

2nd - I convey my frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair (you getting the idea yet?) to my doctor, and he agrees to let me try one cycle of Clomid 25 mg which I later find out is just about as effective as eating chalk.

2nd - 6th - I take Clomid days 3-7 and hope for the best!

10th - Have my follicular series ultrasound and find that I have tons of mature follicles...I am an egg-makin machine! I get the trigger shot (Ovidrel 10,000 miu) which supposedly has a near guarantee for inducing ovulation. We are feeling so positive and optimstic this month.

25th - Well, I'm not pregnant. Once again, FML.

28th - We feel like no one is really giving any attention to our case, so we decide to take matters into our own hands and have a consultation with a fertility specialist. The consult goes well and is everything we had hoped for. The doctor immediately schedules several tests, blood work, etc, and we are excited to finally possibly get some answers!

OCTOBER 2011



Matt and I as Freddy Krueger and Black Swan


4th - HSG (tubes clear) and semen analysis (better than perfect!)

28th - Begin our second cycle of Clomid, the first cycle with our new fertility doctor. He ups the dose to a respectable 50 mg, days 5-9.

31st - Happy 2nd anniversary to us!


Wedding day!


NOVEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLES TWO & THREE

4th - We go in for the follicular series ultrasound, and once again I have tons of follicles. They are not quuiiiite as big as they should be, but the nurses tell me my office OPK was positive and so they have no choice but to go ahead and give me the Ovidrel. (250 mcg this time).

7th - What a difficult day. This would have been my due date. Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant again?

18th - BFN. 'Nuff said.

19th - Back to CD1.

23rd - Round two of Clomid starts CD5 - 9, again 50 mg.

30th - Ultrasound shows yet again a ton of eggs (at this point I am seriously considering a prosperous future as an egg donor), and yet again they are still a bit on the small size. Also they tell me I have an almost non-existant uterine lining, a common occurence after multiple cycles of Clomid. Both the egg size and lining thickness could definitely improve over the next few days, but I am so pissed because I took an OPK at home before the appointment and know what the result in the office is gonna be...positive. Which means they are gonna give me the Ovidrel. Which means we are in the same boat as last month...lots of eggs, but they are too small for fertilization, and my stupid LH is surging (aka OPK positive, aka my body is trying to ovulate on its own), oh AND this time even if the egg DID get fertilized it would have nowhere to implant! I start to suspect that the LH surges are false and perhaps the eggs would continue to grow and I would actually have a second LH surge and ovulate later when the eggs were big enough. After much reluctance my doctor agrees to let me forego the Ovidrel and come in the next day for another ultrasound.

DECEMBER 2011

1st - Well, you guessed it, I was RIGHT! Trying not to gloat TOO much, I listen to the u/s tech tell me that my eggs have grown a TON and that my lining has more than doubled. The eggs are more than perfect size for fertilization, and the lining is more than perfect for implantation. WOOHOO! This is it people. I am calculating my due date and picking out nursery furniture in my head already.

14th - Now about 13dpo, and I just simply cannot take it anymore. I NEED to know. I ask for a blood test, and my hCG comes back at a 1.0. A 1.0!??!? FUCK. MY. LIFE.

16th - We have a consult with the IF (InFertility) doctor who tells us we need to move on to another step. I am clearly making eggs, but there is some problem in releasing them. Normally one would move on to Clomid plus injectables, but because I make so many eggs on Clomid alone I am not a candidate for injectables. So he suggests moving straight on to IVF, the only way to bypass the problem of not releasing eggs other than Ovidrel which I am oh so lucky to be in the 2-4% of people on which it is NOT effective. Aren't 2-4% of people in the world billionaires or something? Why can't I be in THAT 2-4%??

17th - AF (Aunt Flo) arrives. Merry fucking Christmas to me.

24th, 25th, blurrrr - Well as you might have imagined, I spent Christmas in a drunken stupor trying to numb the pain. Just kidding. Sort of. I did polish off about six bottles of prosecco in half as many days, but as I like to say, "Oh I can drink a whole bottle and not feel ANYTHING!" This is a much debated point in our family..



My brother (Matt), me, my husband (Matt) and of course Bevo


26th - I have a complete meltdown at our extended family Christmas. Let me set the scene for yall...there is my cousin with a 6 month old, my other cousin who is pregnant and my other cousin who has a 2 year old AND is also pregnant. Also...there is no alcohol allowed in my grandparents' house. Put all those elements together with my infertile, unpregnant, slightly hungover/sobering up self in the middle...and you have got a REAL problem on your hands. Just ask my husband how the car ride home was..

And well, that gets us pretty much up to date. We are just in a holding pattern right now. Waiting to find out if we happened to get pregnant on our own this cycle (disclaimer- please do NOT hold your breath). If not, we begin the IVF process. After so many months of disappointment I was surprised to find myself near convinced a few days ago that we had succeeded somehow this month, but those feelings have faded and I am just ready for this cycle to be over so we can finally move on. I know IVF is going to be a long, difficult and uncomfortable process, but I have not really given those feelings much thought or worry. IVF is going to rescue us. I can feel it! 2012 is going to be OUR year!

Now stay tuned for much shorter, more fun, exciting posts! And hopefully some good news somewhere along the way.