What the HELL

Yes, you are seeing that correctly. Let me just tell you about the past few days. Don't get excited. I woke up over the weekend finally having sort of wrapped my head around the fact that we failed this cycle...that we would be facing another god knows how many more months or years of struggle...that we would be out thousands and thousands of dollars MORE....that we were back to square one...etc. But I had a few pregnancy tests leftover and decided to take one just for the hell of it. I was absolutely SHOCKED when a line appeared. I thought NO way. So I used another. There it was again. Then a digital. "PREGNANT." OMFG. This was unreal. I woke up a very grumpy husband and made him look at the tests before his eyes were fully adjusted to the 15 lights I turned on, but he could see it too! We were SO excited, but we still knew to be cautious. Later that day I took more tests, and the lines got darker. Amazing. Maybe this could really be it.

Cue the spotting. And the cramping. And the headache. I knew at that moment it was all over. My tests the next morning were considerably lighter, and the spotting continued. I had a beta which came back at a whopping 31. And by whopping I clearly mean craptastic. This is a VERY bad, VERY low number. Considering I had gotten a positive digital test over 24 hours prior to that, my level should have been much higher. I know it has already dropped.

This morning I took another couple of tests which were again even fainter, and the spotting has picked up. So I ate half a box of Samoas and cried a lot. Again.

I just don't know how to move forward. I feel like I just want to die.I don't ever want to see anyone or talk to anyone or go anywhere or do anything ever again. This is too much for my little soul to take. This has ruined me, and I will never be the same. I will never be happy again. I will never trust or believe in anything again. I will never have hope or optimism ever again. I just want to be alone in a bubble where god can't hurt me anymore.