Should Trust My First Instinct...

I can't BELIEVE I published that last post..I was SO hesitant to do so, and I should have known I would jinx myself. Just hours after leaving the doctor who told us to relax and that everything would be fine..it wasn't. We decided to go to an outdoor mall and walk around for a while so I could burn at least a few calories since I wasn't supposed to be exercising. We had a nice walk, went to dinner and then to see my parents. On the way home I felt a few twinges but just ignored them, remembering the advice our doctor had JUST given us...relax, calm down, don't worry, things will be fine. When we got home and I got out of the car I knew something was wrong. I immediately went to the bathroom and (TMI) saw that I was gushing bright red blood. Like..TONS of it. I already knew what was happening, but being Friday night I decided to call the doctor just to get his opinion and advice. He told us with that much bleeding we should go to the ER even though there is nothing they can do about a miscarriage at that point anyway.

So after 10pm in the rain we headed to the ER. Thankfully we were the only ones there so we got in quickly, but nothing else after that happened any quicker than a snail's pace. GEEZ the emergency room is the slowest thing EVER. Anyway after an eternity, some blood work, talking to several nurses and doctors, trying to process what had happened and already planning a new cycle of IVF in our heads, I was taken for an ultrasound. I had heard horror stories about ER ultrasounds and not being allowed to see the screen or ask questions or anything, and now I see just how true (and how awful) the stories were. The tech refused to speak, and I knew better than to ask any direct questions. After the ultrasound I was wheeled back, and we waited again. FOREVER. By this time it was after 1am and we were exhausted. I just wanted to go home and lay in bed and cry and start to grieve.

But then the doctor came in and said "Well, your ultrasound looks fine. Baby is where it is supposed to be." And Matt and I looked at each other like..."HUH?" We really were in shock. We both had fully expected and accepted that this pregnancy was over. We really could not believe what we were hearing. How could everything be okay with all that blood? Then the doctor went on to tell us that I had a subchorionic hematoma (SCH), another crappy one to add to the glossary. SCHs are apparently not uncommon, but the placement and size of them is what matters, and she had no information on either of those things. She just said that "there is one there." She said to stay in bed and rest and call the doctor on Monday. Before we were even discharged from the ER we were both on our phones googling. It seems that these blood clots form between the wall of the uterus and the placenta and can detach the placenta altogether, causing miscarriage. Usually they reabsorb into the lining, though, so now we had something else to cross our fingers for.

On Monday morning we went to the doctor who did another sono and saw the hematoma. It was HUGE. He says it is not the smallest he has seen but not the biggest either. He said most of the time if they heal themselves it will be around 20 weeks. It didn't take me long to calculate that that was a FREAKING LONG time away from where I was. And to top it off...he ordered bed rest. No leaving the house, no doing anything. I know this is all worth it in the end, but it is just getting exhausting. I have basically been on bed rest since the retrieval at Valentine's, and I am going a little crazy. And yes, if this all works out, then of course it is worth it. But if it doesn't work out...it really BLOWS. We have invested so much into this and sacrificed so much, and we keep getting knocked down and picked back up with little glimmers of hope again. I have said it before and I'll say it again...what a rollercoaster.

For now we just have to feel blessed that we have been given yet another chance. That the ER trip turned out a BILLION times better than we thought it was going to, even if not perfect. And that we are still in this. Our next appointment is this Friday, and I have been paralyzed with fear. This will be almost exactly the date last year that we went in and saw no heartbeat, and I am so scared it is going to happen again. But I am trying to keep my spirits up until we know for sure. I don't think I will ever be able to relax and stop worrying during this pregnancy, but right now I just need to look ahead to the next step each time and focus on getting through that. I will update again after Friday's appointment.