I wish I could say I can't believe that tomorrow is the first of February, but instead I will have to say I can't believe that tomorrow is ONLY the first of February!! Time is DRAGGING. Even though I have managed to pack my days with work, errands, chores, etc, somehow time just seems to be standing still. Any suggestions??
I have now finished a little over a week of Lupron injections and finally have been able to discontinue the birth control pills. Hallelujah. However now I am just in another one of those holding/waiting weeks. I am *supposed* to start the stimulants on Saturday, and I think that will be the first time I really feel like it is all finally happening. Actually let's be honest..I'm sure I won't truly feel that way until I'm being wheeled in for the egg retrieval. I am so excited for the anesthesia, btw. Last time I went under I had incredible dreams about Brad Pitt...hopefully I can pick up where I left off.. Don't worry, Matt...they were totally innocent! Really!
My to-do list has been suffering a little bit lately. Instead of occupying the few spare moments I have with items on the list, I have been engaging in self-torture in the form of incessant googling. I can't stop reading about all things IVF...and somehow I seem only to come across the negative stories. It has really been getting to me...I try to counteract those feelings by googling more positive things..like...baby furniture, baby clothes, baby everything... I want so badly to be pregnant, in my second trimester and shopping for baby. I love browsing online as it makes me happy that this might be in my not-so-distant future, but I worry about letting myself get too comfortable with those ideas and getting my hopes up a bit too much. I just need to find a balance...keeping positive and looking forward without getting my hopes up.
The injections are going well. Nothing interesting to report. My stomach looks ridiculous with all the bruising though...good thing it isn't swimsuit season! Which is also a good thing since I've become a complete lardass since starting the medication. Honestly...think...Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade....that is about how I feel at the moment.
I guess that is it really. Oh..we decided to redecorate our bedroom since I will probably be spending a significant amount of time there in the coming weeks. I'll post pictures soon!
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 23, 2012
Lights. Camera. ACTION!
Today marks the official start date of our IVF cycle! I gave myself the first Lupron injection this morning..the first of seemingly endless injections. Our bathroom currently looks like the supply closet of your local hospital...bright red biohazard needle disposal bin and all! And thank God for that little red bin...it is the only thing that would separate us from a drug house in the event of a random police raid. Seriously. Needles everywhere. Even in the fridge...the FRIDGE! Anyway, I am hoping that this will finally make time feel like it is moving a little more quickly. Our countdown is now 23 days until retrieval!!! That's nothing, right?
As for my "30 Days" list, I am actually moving right along. First thing crossed off is taking a break from Facebook. I deactivated my account several days ago and haven't looked back. It is SO refreshing. I don't miss those 67 (identical) pictures of your newborn everyday, bitch. I ordered the books on my list and am awaiting their arrival. Supersaver free shipping is great but I'm pretty sure it must actually be coming BY ship...somehow..to Texas. Because it is taking forever. I have had a lunchdate with my mom and an unexpected get together with both of my parents...so #26 on the list is headed in the right direction. #27 can be crossed off as well...Matt and I took Bevo to the park we have been meaning to visit and had a GREAT time walking along the trails and letting Bevo run off the leash. We will definitely be going back. We watched two more episode of the The Wire last night...so #16 is getting there.
What I am MOST excited about is #1...learning to knit! I successfully mastered the basic stitches/skills this weekend with the help of YouTube and the sole beginner kit they had left at Hobby Lobby (pictured below). Bevo is thrilled. Also a special shoutout to my husband for getting me from Diagram 7.5 to Diagram 8.0. There were tears involved. I swear I need to go into a new business....doing the illustrations for assembly and how-to instruction booklets. Whoever does them now is a complete idiot. Just sayin. And yes, it must be just ONE person that does EVERY instruction manual out there...because they ALL suck. Anyway back to knitting...I am SO excited to make tons of cute stuff..perhaps for a future baby..?? In the meantime I'll keep you posted on the status of project number one...the dog scarf.
As for my "30 Days" list, I am actually moving right along. First thing crossed off is taking a break from Facebook. I deactivated my account several days ago and haven't looked back. It is SO refreshing. I don't miss those 67 (identical) pictures of your newborn everyday, bitch. I ordered the books on my list and am awaiting their arrival. Supersaver free shipping is great but I'm pretty sure it must actually be coming BY ship...somehow..to Texas. Because it is taking forever. I have had a lunchdate with my mom and an unexpected get together with both of my parents...so #26 on the list is headed in the right direction. #27 can be crossed off as well...Matt and I took Bevo to the park we have been meaning to visit and had a GREAT time walking along the trails and letting Bevo run off the leash. We will definitely be going back. We watched two more episode of the The Wire last night...so #16 is getting there.
What I am MOST excited about is #1...learning to knit! I successfully mastered the basic stitches/skills this weekend with the help of YouTube and the sole beginner kit they had left at Hobby Lobby (pictured below). Bevo is thrilled. Also a special shoutout to my husband for getting me from Diagram 7.5 to Diagram 8.0. There were tears involved. I swear I need to go into a new business....doing the illustrations for assembly and how-to instruction booklets. Whoever does them now is a complete idiot. Just sayin. And yes, it must be just ONE person that does EVERY instruction manual out there...because they ALL suck. Anyway back to knitting...I am SO excited to make tons of cute stuff..perhaps for a future baby..?? In the meantime I'll keep you posted on the status of project number one...the dog scarf.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
FAIL.
Since writing yesterday's post, my optimism turned to complete and utter despair. More than despair really...I don't even quite know how to define it. I am overcome by the fear that IVF will not work for us. And while to this point I have firmly claimed that I was prepared for such an outcome, I realized today that that couldn't be further from the truth. I am SO not okay with that outcome. Not one bit. So instead of working diligently and then moving on to tackling my "30" list, I instead writhed in self pity, anger, jealousy, anxiety and any other self-destructive practice you might think of. The only thing that kept me going? See below.
No, seriously. I think I am up to about 50 for the day. Which is disturbing ONLY because my stockpile is now severely diminished, and I will have to wait until next Christmas to replenish! AGHH! Once I discovered these (not until December 18th of this year) I immediately went on a wild goose chase to four different stores only to be told the item was out of stock and would not be restocked because it was seasonal. Unacceptable. Thank GOD Matt was there (willingly, I promise, at all four stores) because he found the stocking stuffer aisle...you know those plastic candy canes filled with Hershey kisses? Yep..we bought all they had. Economical? No. Delicious? Yes.
Anyway..now that I have been distracted from my negativity for a moment I feel somewhat better. I think I just was due for a complete meltdown day, and now that it is out of my system I am going to be nothing but positive from here on out. I still am not okay with the possibility that IVF will not be successful on the first round, but I don't think I should have to be "okay" with that. I think I am entitled to get my hopes up and to "need" for it to work. I can be "prepared" for the possibility that it may not, but I do not have to be okay with it. I also feel that I am entitled to be somewhat envious of those who have what I so desperately long for. I just have to learn not to let it get the better of me. It is not us against them, it is really us against us at this point. Or me against me. I have to be in control of my emotions going forward. I know that will only help our chances of getting the desired outcome.
Well I think I should wrap it up for today. Hoping for a better day tomorrow, and the same to all of you!
No, seriously. I think I am up to about 50 for the day. Which is disturbing ONLY because my stockpile is now severely diminished, and I will have to wait until next Christmas to replenish! AGHH! Once I discovered these (not until December 18th of this year) I immediately went on a wild goose chase to four different stores only to be told the item was out of stock and would not be restocked because it was seasonal. Unacceptable. Thank GOD Matt was there (willingly, I promise, at all four stores) because he found the stocking stuffer aisle...you know those plastic candy canes filled with Hershey kisses? Yep..we bought all they had. Economical? No. Delicious? Yes.
Anyway..now that I have been distracted from my negativity for a moment I feel somewhat better. I think I just was due for a complete meltdown day, and now that it is out of my system I am going to be nothing but positive from here on out. I still am not okay with the possibility that IVF will not be successful on the first round, but I don't think I should have to be "okay" with that. I think I am entitled to get my hopes up and to "need" for it to work. I can be "prepared" for the possibility that it may not, but I do not have to be okay with it. I also feel that I am entitled to be somewhat envious of those who have what I so desperately long for. I just have to learn not to let it get the better of me. It is not us against them, it is really us against us at this point. Or me against me. I have to be in control of my emotions going forward. I know that will only help our chances of getting the desired outcome.
Well I think I should wrap it up for today. Hoping for a better day tomorrow, and the same to all of you!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
How Am I Going to Make It?
Well today sucked. Royally SUCKED. I can't even go into all the reasons why it sucked, but pretty much any sucky thing imaginable is included on the list of "Reasons Why January 17, 2012 SUCKED."
Instead of listing them all, I have decided to try and pull myself out of this lowest of lows and make a different list. Based on the discussion with our doctor yesterday we can safely say our retrieval date will be in 30 days (give or take one or two days). So I'm sure the same question is on all of your minds that has been running through my head..."HOW THE @!#!@%(&! AM I GOING TO MAKE IT THIRTY WHOLE DAYS???" Well friends, I haven't the answer. This is where I would normally begin the lamenting, but not today! Today I will do the impossible...I will find something positive from this.
So, the one positive I can see is that now I have thirty days to focus on absolutely anything and everything else....thirty days to give attention to the things I have been neglecting for the past 365....thirty days to discover or learn something new that for once does NOT pertain to fertility (or lack thereof), thirty days to...well..you get the idea. And best of all is that there is NO way I will be able to do ALL of these things...so it will actually feel like I am running out of time to complete my list...like time is just WHOOSHING by! Right? RIGHT?? Well, here's hoping.
THIRTY GOALS ON THE THIRTY DAY ROAD TO IVF
1. Learn to Knit/Crochet (and actually knit/crochet something...custom baby booties made to order starting Christmas 2025)
2. Make Homemade Tamales (this one is for you, Matt Denny).
3. Give Bevo a DAILY Lunchtime Walk
4. Finish the Christmas Stocking I started in...umm...
5. Finish the ******** Project (top secret...actually it was really just a Christmas gift for my family that I never got around to finishing. Oops. Happy Valentines, everyone!)
6. Read The Hunger Games (otherwise I will never understand everyone's facebook posts...which I guess also means I should finally start learning something about Tim Tebow...but...no).
7. Update iPhone (been putting this off for like over a year..really).
8. Clear Out All Unread Emails (all 15,802 of them, literally).
9. Hem The Five Pairs of Jeans I Have Owned for Years and Never Gotten to Wear
10. Read The Girl Who Played with Fire
11. Read The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest
12. Take a 30 day Break From Facebook
13. Work Out Daily (I know this is totally blah, but I feel I must include it regardless)
14. Plan Two Weekly Activities/Outings to Have Something to Look Forward To
15. Get My Car Washed (thank you, water restrictions, for getting me out of having to do that one myself)
16. Finish Season 4 of The Wire
17. Clean/Reorganize Office (shudder..)
18. Go to Church on Sundays
19. Find a Project for the Nine Zillion Bottle Caps/Wine Corks We've Been Collecting for YEARS
20. Put Shelf Paper in the Pantry/Cabinets
21. Put Drawer Liner in the Drawers
22. Clean/Reorganize Kitchen Drawers/Cabinets
23. Go to the Rodeo?
24. Mix/Match 15 New Outfits From Closet and Wear Them (and blog them!)
25. Make Homemade Valentine's Cards and Treats for Family, Friends, Neighbors
26. Plan 1-on-1 Time/Activity with Each Family Member (mom, dad, brother, husband, future sister-in-law)
27. Provided the Weather Cooperates, Go with Matt Finally to the Park We Have Been Wanting to Check Out
28. Start Compiling Recipes into a Master Recipe Book
29. Have a Garage Sale/Take Stuff to Goodwill/Plato's Closet (by whatever means necessary just CLEAN OUT the spare room)
30. Make Something Together with Matt for Future Baby (not sure what yet, but this is the one I'm most excited about! Maybe we will wait until we know whether IVF was successful or not)
So there it is..I can already feel myself wondering "How am I going to get ALL of this done in just thirty SHORT days??"
Instead of listing them all, I have decided to try and pull myself out of this lowest of lows and make a different list. Based on the discussion with our doctor yesterday we can safely say our retrieval date will be in 30 days (give or take one or two days). So I'm sure the same question is on all of your minds that has been running through my head..."HOW THE @!#!@%(&! AM I GOING TO MAKE IT THIRTY WHOLE DAYS???" Well friends, I haven't the answer. This is where I would normally begin the lamenting, but not today! Today I will do the impossible...I will find something positive from this.
So, the one positive I can see is that now I have thirty days to focus on absolutely anything and everything else....thirty days to give attention to the things I have been neglecting for the past 365....thirty days to discover or learn something new that for once does NOT pertain to fertility (or lack thereof), thirty days to...well..you get the idea. And best of all is that there is NO way I will be able to do ALL of these things...so it will actually feel like I am running out of time to complete my list...like time is just WHOOSHING by! Right? RIGHT?? Well, here's hoping.
THIRTY GOALS ON THE THIRTY DAY ROAD TO IVF
1. Learn to Knit/Crochet (and actually knit/crochet something...custom baby booties made to order starting Christmas 2025)
2. Make Homemade Tamales (this one is for you, Matt Denny).
3. Give Bevo a DAILY Lunchtime Walk
4. Finish the Christmas Stocking I started in...umm...
5. Finish the ******** Project (top secret...actually it was really just a Christmas gift for my family that I never got around to finishing. Oops. Happy Valentines, everyone!)
6. Read The Hunger Games (otherwise I will never understand everyone's facebook posts...which I guess also means I should finally start learning something about Tim Tebow...but...no).
7. Update iPhone (been putting this off for like over a year..really).
8. Clear Out All Unread Emails (all 15,802 of them, literally).
9. Hem The Five Pairs of Jeans I Have Owned for Years and Never Gotten to Wear
10. Read The Girl Who Played with Fire
11. Read The Girl Who Kicked the Hornets' Nest
12. Take a 30 day Break From Facebook
13. Work Out Daily (I know this is totally blah, but I feel I must include it regardless)
14. Plan Two Weekly Activities/Outings to Have Something to Look Forward To
15. Get My Car Washed (thank you, water restrictions, for getting me out of having to do that one myself)
16. Finish Season 4 of The Wire
17. Clean/Reorganize Office (shudder..)
18. Go to Church on Sundays
19. Find a Project for the Nine Zillion Bottle Caps/Wine Corks We've Been Collecting for YEARS
20. Put Shelf Paper in the Pantry/Cabinets
21. Put Drawer Liner in the Drawers
22. Clean/Reorganize Kitchen Drawers/Cabinets
23. Go to the Rodeo?
24. Mix/Match 15 New Outfits From Closet and Wear Them (and blog them!)
25. Make Homemade Valentine's Cards and Treats for Family, Friends, Neighbors
26. Plan 1-on-1 Time/Activity with Each Family Member (mom, dad, brother, husband, future sister-in-law)
27. Provided the Weather Cooperates, Go with Matt Finally to the Park We Have Been Wanting to Check Out
28. Start Compiling Recipes into a Master Recipe Book
29. Have a Garage Sale/Take Stuff to Goodwill/Plato's Closet (by whatever means necessary just CLEAN OUT the spare room)
30. Make Something Together with Matt for Future Baby (not sure what yet, but this is the one I'm most excited about! Maybe we will wait until we know whether IVF was successful or not)
So there it is..I can already feel myself wondering "How am I going to get ALL of this done in just thirty SHORT days??"
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Here Goes Nothin'
Well it's official...we are moving on to IVF! My beta this morning came back at <1.0. So I can safely assume I am not pregnant, and it is time to prepare for the next step. Even though I knew what the result would be this morning, it was still upsetting. I am okay now, though, and actually more excited than anything! I truly have faith that IVF is just what we need, and I cannot WAIT to get started!
Anyway...the doctor said about five weeks after the start of this current cycle we will have the actual transfer. So I am guessing at the date right now. A guessing game with dates? This doesn't sound like TTC at all!! HA! I will know more exact dates when we go in for a consult on Monday.
All in all I am excited. My overall feeling right now is just relief and excitement to be headed in the right direction. I feel like I am counting down to my wedding all over again! Mid-February, hurry it up!!!! I KNOW I shouldn't be playing the "If.." game, but IF I were to get pregnant on the first IVF cycle, I would be due again in November...which would mean a new baby (and drinking!) just in time for the holidays. Maybe I will get lucky after all...
One Last Chance
Well friends, this is it. Our LAST chance at getting pregnant before moving on to IVF. If AF comes this time, then I will have to start on a short pack of birth control to get my cycle ready for IVF in late February/early March.
I am having all the classic AF symptoms now at 13dpo...brown spotting, headache, no more sore boobs, possible temp drop and cramping. UGH. I don't know WHY I am even entertaining the idea that it could be anything BUT AF, but I am grasping onto that little piece of hope.
I simply cannot take the wait anymore. I just need a definitive answer so I can move on psychologically and start readying my mind and body for the next step. So I am about to leave for a blood test (beta). I am fully expecting my hcg to be about 0-1 as it has been the last couple of months. I will keep you posted. I would say cross your fingers for me, but I don't think it's even worth it this time. I KNOW what is coming.
On the up side, I am having a GREAT hair day even after the worst night's sleep ever. Go me.
Stay tuned.
I am having all the classic AF symptoms now at 13dpo...brown spotting, headache, no more sore boobs, possible temp drop and cramping. UGH. I don't know WHY I am even entertaining the idea that it could be anything BUT AF, but I am grasping onto that little piece of hope.
I simply cannot take the wait anymore. I just need a definitive answer so I can move on psychologically and start readying my mind and body for the next step. So I am about to leave for a blood test (beta). I am fully expecting my hcg to be about 0-1 as it has been the last couple of months. I will keep you posted. I would say cross your fingers for me, but I don't think it's even worth it this time. I KNOW what is coming.
On the up side, I am having a GREAT hair day even after the worst night's sleep ever. Go me.
Stay tuned.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Abbreviations
I decided to go ahead and compile a list of all the abbreviations you may come across in my blog. No, these are not just my own shorthand but rather very widely accepted abbreviations in the TTC/pregnancy blogging world mainly from the US, UK and Australia. If you are reading my own TTC blog, then you probably have some sort of connection to TTC already and are familiar with these. But if you are my poor husband who I have forced to become my first blog follower, then you may need this post to refer back to from time to time. Also, Mom - if you are reading this, I apologize for a few F words. I know you hate those, but don't they always say you should "write in your own voice"?
ABBREVIATION LIST/GLOSSARY OF TERMS
AF - Aunt Flo (period)BBs - Boobs
BBT - Basal Body Temperature
BCP (or OCP) - Birth Control Pills
BD - Baby Dance (youknowwhat..)
BFP - Big *Fat* Positive
BFN - Big *Fat* Negative
CD# - Cycle Day
CM - Cervical Mucus
DH - Dear Husband (In this case, Matt.)
DF - Dear Fiance
DS - Dear Son
DD - Dear Daughter
#DPO - Days Post/Past Ovulation #DP#DT (ex 7dp5dt)- Days Post 3 or 5 Day Transfer (more on this later with IVF)
DTD - Doing/Did the Deed
EWCM - Egg White Cervical Mucus (the fertile kind you get when you are ovulating)
FML - Fuck My Life
FRER - First Response Early Result (commonly thought to be the best early result test on the market)
hCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (detected in HPTs)HPT - Home Pregnancy TestHSG - Hysterosalpingogram (study to find out if your tubes are blocked)
IB - Implantation Bleeding (light bleeding experienced by some women when the egg implants)
IC - Intercourse or Internet Cheapies (very inexpensive HPTs that you buy online in bulk, used as kind of a throw away test when you want to test over and over)
IF - Infertility
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization LH - Luteinizing Hormone (detected in OPKs, surges just prior to ovulation)
LO - Little One (your baby, probably won't be using this for a while but I can always hope, right?)LP - Luteal Phase (the two week wait)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect (when your LP is too short usually)
MC - Miscarriage
MMC - Missed MiscarriageO - Ovulation
OPK - Ovulation Predictor KitPCOS - Polycystic Ovarian SyndromePG - Pregnant
POAS - Pee On A Stick
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (not a term we use much here, but it has become kind of an umbrella term for TTC bloggers to refer to their fertility specialists)
SMEP - Sperm Meets Egg Plan (a commonly used/praised method or timeline for having sex around your fertile period)
TTC - Trying to Conceive
TWW - Two Week Wait (the hellish two weeks between ovulation and starting your period/getting a BFP)
1WW - One Week Wait (halfway there, the worst is yet to come)
UI - Unexplained Infertility US - Ultrasound
There are countless more, but most of the ones I will be using are probably included on this list. I will update if I start to incorporate any others. And yes, there WILL be a test later.
ABBREVIATION LIST/GLOSSARY OF TERMS
AF - Aunt Flo (period)BBs - Boobs
BBT - Basal Body Temperature
BCP (or OCP) - Birth Control Pills
BD - Baby Dance (youknowwhat..)
BFP - Big *Fat* Positive
BFN - Big *Fat* Negative
CD# - Cycle Day
CM - Cervical Mucus
DH - Dear Husband (In this case, Matt.)
DF - Dear Fiance
DS - Dear Son
DD - Dear Daughter
#DPO - Days Post/Past Ovulation #DP#DT (ex 7dp5dt)- Days Post 3 or 5 Day Transfer (more on this later with IVF)
DTD - Doing/Did the Deed
EWCM - Egg White Cervical Mucus (the fertile kind you get when you are ovulating)
FML - Fuck My Life
FRER - First Response Early Result (commonly thought to be the best early result test on the market)
hCG - Human Chorionic Gonadotropin (detected in HPTs)HPT - Home Pregnancy TestHSG - Hysterosalpingogram (study to find out if your tubes are blocked)
IB - Implantation Bleeding (light bleeding experienced by some women when the egg implants)
IC - Intercourse or Internet Cheapies (very inexpensive HPTs that you buy online in bulk, used as kind of a throw away test when you want to test over and over)
IF - Infertility
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination
IVF - In Vitro Fertilization LH - Luteinizing Hormone (detected in OPKs, surges just prior to ovulation)
LO - Little One (your baby, probably won't be using this for a while but I can always hope, right?)LP - Luteal Phase (the two week wait)
LPD - Luteal Phase Defect (when your LP is too short usually)
MC - Miscarriage
MMC - Missed MiscarriageO - Ovulation
OPK - Ovulation Predictor KitPCOS - Polycystic Ovarian SyndromePG - Pregnant
POAS - Pee On A Stick
RE - Reproductive Endocrinologist (not a term we use much here, but it has become kind of an umbrella term for TTC bloggers to refer to their fertility specialists)
SMEP - Sperm Meets Egg Plan (a commonly used/praised method or timeline for having sex around your fertile period)
TTC - Trying to Conceive
TWW - Two Week Wait (the hellish two weeks between ovulation and starting your period/getting a BFP)
1WW - One Week Wait (halfway there, the worst is yet to come)
UI - Unexplained Infertility US - Ultrasound
There are countless more, but most of the ones I will be using are probably included on this list. I will update if I start to incorporate any others. And yes, there WILL be a test later.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Remembering 2011 - Part Two: The Infertility
Don't worry...I promise all of my posts won't be SO dauntingly long...stick with me here, people! We are almost through 2011, and believe me I want to get through with it just as quickly as you..
APRIL 2011, cont'd.
14th - The actual miscarriage is "over," and I have a positive ovulation test on this day. It could be from the leftover hCG in my system (my HPT is still positive), OR I could be ovulating! We get mixed advice from the doctors but decide to go ahead and "try" anyway. In the past weeks I took to reading all sorts of TTC (Trying To Conceive) blogs and found countless stories of women getting pregnant just weeks after their MC.
MAY 2011
19th - I FINALLY get my period. I never thought I'd be so happy for this to happen! Praise the LAWD! Even though this means I was not only of the lucky ones who got pregnant between miscarriage and my first period, it DOES mean that the God-awful waiting is over and I am finally on to my first "real" cycle post-MC.
29th - Almost like clockwork, I get a positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit, also known as ovulation test) on CD11 (Cycle Day). HA! I beat you, system! My cycles are totally regular already! Boo ya! (If only that were true...) Later in the month I get my usual BFN.
JUNE, JULY, AUGUST 2011
TTC naturally all summer long...BFN, BFN, BFN. My choice of "F" words becomes slightly more inappropriate each month. At least we take a couple trips to try and keep our minds off things..Vegas, Mexico..nice distractions but would trade it all for that one BFP!
Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Vegas, baby!
SEPTEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLE ONE
2nd - I convey my frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair (you getting the idea yet?) to my doctor, and he agrees to let me try one cycle of Clomid 25 mg which I later find out is just about as effective as eating chalk.
2nd - 6th - I take Clomid days 3-7 and hope for the best!
10th - Have my follicular series ultrasound and find that I have tons of mature follicles...I am an egg-makin machine! I get the trigger shot (Ovidrel 10,000 miu) which supposedly has a near guarantee for inducing ovulation. We are feeling so positive and optimstic this month.
25th - Well, I'm not pregnant. Once again, FML.
28th - We feel like no one is really giving any attention to our case, so we decide to take matters into our own hands and have a consultation with a fertility specialist. The consult goes well and is everything we had hoped for. The doctor immediately schedules several tests, blood work, etc, and we are excited to finally possibly get some answers!
OCTOBER 2011
Matt and I as Freddy Krueger and Black Swan
4th - HSG (tubes clear) and semen analysis (better than perfect!)
28th - Begin our second cycle of Clomid, the first cycle with our new fertility doctor. He ups the dose to a respectable 50 mg, days 5-9.
31st - Happy 2nd anniversary to us!
Wedding day!
NOVEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLES TWO & THREE
4th - We go in for the follicular series ultrasound, and once again I have tons of follicles. They are not quuiiiite as big as they should be, but the nurses tell me my office OPK was positive and so they have no choice but to go ahead and give me the Ovidrel. (250 mcg this time).
7th - What a difficult day. This would have been my due date. Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant again?
18th - BFN. 'Nuff said.
19th - Back to CD1.
23rd - Round two of Clomid starts CD5 - 9, again 50 mg.
30th - Ultrasound shows yet again a ton of eggs (at this point I am seriously considering a prosperous future as an egg donor), and yet again they are still a bit on the small size. Also they tell me I have an almost non-existant uterine lining, a common occurence after multiple cycles of Clomid. Both the egg size and lining thickness could definitely improve over the next few days, but I am so pissed because I took an OPK at home before the appointment and know what the result in the office is gonna be...positive. Which means they are gonna give me the Ovidrel. Which means we are in the same boat as last month...lots of eggs, but they are too small for fertilization, and my stupid LH is surging (aka OPK positive, aka my body is trying to ovulate on its own), oh AND this time even if the egg DID get fertilized it would have nowhere to implant! I start to suspect that the LH surges are false and perhaps the eggs would continue to grow and I would actually have a second LH surge and ovulate later when the eggs were big enough. After much reluctance my doctor agrees to let me forego the Ovidrel and come in the next day for another ultrasound.
DECEMBER 2011
1st - Well, you guessed it, I was RIGHT! Trying not to gloat TOO much, I listen to the u/s tech tell me that my eggs have grown a TON and that my lining has more than doubled. The eggs are more than perfect size for fertilization, and the lining is more than perfect for implantation. WOOHOO! This is it people. I am calculating my due date and picking out nursery furniture in my head already.
14th - Now about 13dpo, and I just simply cannot take it anymore. I NEED to know. I ask for a blood test, and my hCG comes back at a 1.0. A 1.0!??!? FUCK. MY. LIFE.
16th - We have a consult with the IF (InFertility) doctor who tells us we need to move on to another step. I am clearly making eggs, but there is some problem in releasing them. Normally one would move on to Clomid plus injectables, but because I make so many eggs on Clomid alone I am not a candidate for injectables. So he suggests moving straight on to IVF, the only way to bypass the problem of not releasing eggs other than Ovidrel which I am oh so lucky to be in the 2-4% of people on which it is NOT effective. Aren't 2-4% of people in the world billionaires or something? Why can't I be in THAT 2-4%??
17th - AF (Aunt Flo) arrives. Merry fucking Christmas to me.
24th, 25th, blurrrr - Well as you might have imagined, I spent Christmas in a drunken stupor trying to numb the pain. Just kidding. Sort of. I did polish off about six bottles of prosecco in half as many days, but as I like to say, "Oh I can drink a whole bottle and not feel ANYTHING!" This is a much debated point in our family..
My brother (Matt), me, my husband (Matt) and of course Bevo
26th - I have a complete meltdown at our extended family Christmas. Let me set the scene for yall...there is my cousin with a 6 month old, my other cousin who is pregnant and my other cousin who has a 2 year old AND is also pregnant. Also...there is no alcohol allowed in my grandparents' house. Put all those elements together with my infertile, unpregnant, slightly hungover/sobering up self in the middle...and you have got a REAL problem on your hands. Just ask my husband how the car ride home was..
And well, that gets us pretty much up to date. We are just in a holding pattern right now. Waiting to find out if we happened to get pregnant on our own this cycle (disclaimer- please do NOT hold your breath). If not, we begin the IVF process. After so many months of disappointment I was surprised to find myself near convinced a few days ago that we had succeeded somehow this month, but those feelings have faded and I am just ready for this cycle to be over so we can finally move on. I know IVF is going to be a long, difficult and uncomfortable process, but I have not really given those feelings much thought or worry. IVF is going to rescue us. I can feel it! 2012 is going to be OUR year!
Now stay tuned for much shorter, more fun, exciting posts! And hopefully some good news somewhere along the way.
APRIL 2011, cont'd.
14th - The actual miscarriage is "over," and I have a positive ovulation test on this day. It could be from the leftover hCG in my system (my HPT is still positive), OR I could be ovulating! We get mixed advice from the doctors but decide to go ahead and "try" anyway. In the past weeks I took to reading all sorts of TTC (Trying To Conceive) blogs and found countless stories of women getting pregnant just weeks after their MC.
MAY 2011
19th - I FINALLY get my period. I never thought I'd be so happy for this to happen! Praise the LAWD! Even though this means I was not only of the lucky ones who got pregnant between miscarriage and my first period, it DOES mean that the God-awful waiting is over and I am finally on to my first "real" cycle post-MC.
29th - Almost like clockwork, I get a positive OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit, also known as ovulation test) on CD11 (Cycle Day). HA! I beat you, system! My cycles are totally regular already! Boo ya! (If only that were true...) Later in the month I get my usual BFN.
JUNE, JULY, AUGUST 2011
TTC naturally all summer long...BFN, BFN, BFN. My choice of "F" words becomes slightly more inappropriate each month. At least we take a couple trips to try and keep our minds off things..Vegas, Mexico..nice distractions but would trade it all for that one BFP!
Playa del Carmen, Mexico
Vegas, baby!
SEPTEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLE ONE
2nd - I convey my frustration, anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair (you getting the idea yet?) to my doctor, and he agrees to let me try one cycle of Clomid 25 mg which I later find out is just about as effective as eating chalk.
2nd - 6th - I take Clomid days 3-7 and hope for the best!
10th - Have my follicular series ultrasound and find that I have tons of mature follicles...I am an egg-makin machine! I get the trigger shot (Ovidrel 10,000 miu) which supposedly has a near guarantee for inducing ovulation. We are feeling so positive and optimstic this month.
25th - Well, I'm not pregnant. Once again, FML.
28th - We feel like no one is really giving any attention to our case, so we decide to take matters into our own hands and have a consultation with a fertility specialist. The consult goes well and is everything we had hoped for. The doctor immediately schedules several tests, blood work, etc, and we are excited to finally possibly get some answers!
OCTOBER 2011
Matt and I as Freddy Krueger and Black Swan
4th - HSG (tubes clear) and semen analysis (better than perfect!)
28th - Begin our second cycle of Clomid, the first cycle with our new fertility doctor. He ups the dose to a respectable 50 mg, days 5-9.
31st - Happy 2nd anniversary to us!
Wedding day!
NOVEMBER 2011 - CLOMID CYCLES TWO & THREE
4th - We go in for the follicular series ultrasound, and once again I have tons of follicles. They are not quuiiiite as big as they should be, but the nurses tell me my office OPK was positive and so they have no choice but to go ahead and give me the Ovidrel. (250 mcg this time).
7th - What a difficult day. This would have been my due date. Maybe we will get lucky and get pregnant again?
18th - BFN. 'Nuff said.
19th - Back to CD1.
23rd - Round two of Clomid starts CD5 - 9, again 50 mg.
30th - Ultrasound shows yet again a ton of eggs (at this point I am seriously considering a prosperous future as an egg donor), and yet again they are still a bit on the small size. Also they tell me I have an almost non-existant uterine lining, a common occurence after multiple cycles of Clomid. Both the egg size and lining thickness could definitely improve over the next few days, but I am so pissed because I took an OPK at home before the appointment and know what the result in the office is gonna be...positive. Which means they are gonna give me the Ovidrel. Which means we are in the same boat as last month...lots of eggs, but they are too small for fertilization, and my stupid LH is surging (aka OPK positive, aka my body is trying to ovulate on its own), oh AND this time even if the egg DID get fertilized it would have nowhere to implant! I start to suspect that the LH surges are false and perhaps the eggs would continue to grow and I would actually have a second LH surge and ovulate later when the eggs were big enough. After much reluctance my doctor agrees to let me forego the Ovidrel and come in the next day for another ultrasound.
DECEMBER 2011
1st - Well, you guessed it, I was RIGHT! Trying not to gloat TOO much, I listen to the u/s tech tell me that my eggs have grown a TON and that my lining has more than doubled. The eggs are more than perfect size for fertilization, and the lining is more than perfect for implantation. WOOHOO! This is it people. I am calculating my due date and picking out nursery furniture in my head already.
14th - Now about 13dpo, and I just simply cannot take it anymore. I NEED to know. I ask for a blood test, and my hCG comes back at a 1.0. A 1.0!??!? FUCK. MY. LIFE.
16th - We have a consult with the IF (InFertility) doctor who tells us we need to move on to another step. I am clearly making eggs, but there is some problem in releasing them. Normally one would move on to Clomid plus injectables, but because I make so many eggs on Clomid alone I am not a candidate for injectables. So he suggests moving straight on to IVF, the only way to bypass the problem of not releasing eggs other than Ovidrel which I am oh so lucky to be in the 2-4% of people on which it is NOT effective. Aren't 2-4% of people in the world billionaires or something? Why can't I be in THAT 2-4%??
17th - AF (Aunt Flo) arrives. Merry fucking Christmas to me.
24th, 25th, blurrrr - Well as you might have imagined, I spent Christmas in a drunken stupor trying to numb the pain. Just kidding. Sort of. I did polish off about six bottles of prosecco in half as many days, but as I like to say, "Oh I can drink a whole bottle and not feel ANYTHING!" This is a much debated point in our family..
My brother (Matt), me, my husband (Matt) and of course Bevo
26th - I have a complete meltdown at our extended family Christmas. Let me set the scene for yall...there is my cousin with a 6 month old, my other cousin who is pregnant and my other cousin who has a 2 year old AND is also pregnant. Also...there is no alcohol allowed in my grandparents' house. Put all those elements together with my infertile, unpregnant, slightly hungover/sobering up self in the middle...and you have got a REAL problem on your hands. Just ask my husband how the car ride home was..
And well, that gets us pretty much up to date. We are just in a holding pattern right now. Waiting to find out if we happened to get pregnant on our own this cycle (disclaimer- please do NOT hold your breath). If not, we begin the IVF process. After so many months of disappointment I was surprised to find myself near convinced a few days ago that we had succeeded somehow this month, but those feelings have faded and I am just ready for this cycle to be over so we can finally move on. I know IVF is going to be a long, difficult and uncomfortable process, but I have not really given those feelings much thought or worry. IVF is going to rescue us. I can feel it! 2012 is going to be OUR year!
Now stay tuned for much shorter, more fun, exciting posts! And hopefully some good news somewhere along the way.
Friday, January 6, 2012
Remembering 2011 - Part One: The Miscarriage
I have been excited to get my blog up and running with all the current happenings, but first I have to backtrack a bit and cover all that got us to the point we are now. So settle in ladies and gents, this might be one of my longer posts! I guess the easiest way to do this is to just give a month-by-month summary of 2011. I wanted to start off 2012 by burning the 2011 calendar on New Year's Eve. In hindsight I suppose it is a good thing I didn't go through with that plan because now I have a very detailed record to help create this post..
JANUARY 2011
24th - Matt surprises me with one of those old lady pill boxes wrapped in a cute gift bag. I give him one of my usual "what the hell is this?" looks, and he tells me it is for prenatal vitamins because he is FINALLY (after months of persuasion on my part) ready to try and have a baby! WOOHOO! Victory is mine!
FEBRUARY 2011
10th - I get my first positive ovulation test. You know what happens next! bow chicka bow wow...
11th - 28th - So many things were going on in February that I did not even have time to wonder whether or not I had gotten pregnant. My grandmother died, Matt's grandfather died, I started ballet, it was Matt's birthday, etc etc. Looking back I wonder if having it at the very back of my mind actually helped us conceive.
MARCH 2011
4th - We leave for England to visit Matt's family and friends. I had taken a couple of pregnancy tests prior to this but all came out BFN (Big *insert favorite F word* Negative).
***WARNING*** I feel like I have learned a third language during this journey, and now that you are reading my blog I am going to force you to learn it as well. I had no idea there were so many acronyms, abbreviations and code words used in the infertility community, but just start googling...you will find that the information is completely incomprehensible without a glossary.
8th - Holy S@#%! I brought one single HPT (Home Pregnancy Test) with me to England and had honestly forgotten I even had it until this morning. I decided to take it, and unbelievably it came out BFP!!! Hopefully you have that one figured out.. I am 25 DPO (Days Past Ovulation) at this point, and I should have had a BFP long before this. But I didn't really do the math at the time..obviously there was too much excitement to be doing math.. I call my doctor back in the states (screw international roaming charges...I AM PREGNANT, bitches!! woohoo!), and they schedule me for an appointment when I will be 8 weeks. As a pregnancy virgin (hmm..) I had no idea. Totally bummed to have to wait that long. Over the next several days I spend God knows how much money (it doesn't count really..I mean it's foreign money..) on crazy British brand pregnancy tests. They all come up BFP.
10th - Happy birthday to me! Not significant other than the fact that I was not able to drink ON my birthday IN England. Bummer.
13th - We return home to Dallas, and I immediately start googling all things baby/pregnancy related. I am SUCH a newbie. Also begin counting the days, minutes, seconds until my first appointment on March 25th. Why.is.time.going.so.slowwwwly?
23rd - I start having some lower abdominal/almost ovary twinges. Not particularly painful but what I described as an "awareness." Thankfully the nurse tells me to come on in for a sonogram, and this is where the first dip of the rollercoaster happens. I get some blood work done and then have the sono performed. The fetal pole is there and measures fairly accurately for my dates, perhaps a few days or a week behind which is common, but they tell me "we are having a little trouble finding the heartbeat." Since I had become somewhat of an expert on pregnancy timelines by this point, I knew that wasn't good. At 7w5d there should have been a very obvious heartbeat. I was expecting the worst and was indeed told that this was not a viable pregnancy and that I needed to go home and use Misoprostol (a very unpleasant drug that causes your body to rid itself of a pregnancy). I come from a medical family and knew I should trust the doctors, but everything happened so fast and I just needed time to process it. I couldn't accept that the baby was "dead" when my body was showing no signs of miscarriage. I declined the medication and requested a follow up ultrasound in a week which the doctor reluctantly agreed to.
30th - I am back at the doctor's after a hellish week of worrying, wondering and waiting...three things I have decided are what the road to pregnancy is ALL about. I had had no pain, bleeding, cramping whatsoever, but my blood work results had come back and were not favorable. While my hCG and progesterone were very high, the follow up hCG had only gone from about 16,000 to about 18,000 in 48 hours. Typically an hCG should double or very near double in 48 hours. So I was again expecting the worst. Matt could not make it to this appointment, and since I knew what the result was going to be I decided to just get it over and done with on my own...NBD, right? Wrong.
I had my eyes closed for the sonogram and all of the sudden heard the sono tech say "Do you see what I see?" Immediately I opened my eyes to look at the screen and saw a very obvious flickering/flashing which was the heartbeat! I could NOT believe it!! They measured the heartbeat and it was on the lower end of the normal range but still NORMAL! I was ECSTATIC!!! It made me sick to think I could have used the Misoprostol and would never have known this. I called Matt immediately and told him we were blessed and so incredibly lucky and all the things you could imagine saying at that point. The doctor scheduled us for our first big OB appointment the following week.
APRIL 2011
5th - Our first OB appointment!! I had spent the week in a cloud of delusional happiness, and Matt had to remind me several times we were not out of the woods yet. I knew he was right, but I fully expected to go in for the appointment and see the heartbeat and share that moment with Matt that I had experienced alone a week earlier. I was so so very excited. After our usual hour of sitting in the waiting room we were finally called back to the sono room. I was feeling great and optimistic, starting intently at the screen...no fear this time. But then came a major drop on the rollercoaster. No heartbeat. No growth. WTF?!?! Why is this happening to us??! It was JUST there a week ago!! COME ON!!!!! @$#%@#$ you world!
We had a long consultation with multiple doctors and nurses and made the decision that clearly this was not a viable pregnancy. I went straight home and used the Misoprostol. FML.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A New Year
Happy New Year! (or happy four days into the new year, I suppose). Starting a blog has been on my list for a long while now, so I figured the first days of 2012 would be a perfect time to finally get it going. In the past I have put it off because I was not quite sure what specifically to blog about...would anyone really want a play-by-play of MY life? Probably not! However 2011 brought about some interesting challenges and struggles for us, and I knew I finally had my topic.
Meet US! This is me, my husband Matt and our beloved and completely spoiled pup, Bevo (pronounced "bee-voh" for all you non-Texans). We have been married for just over two years with our anniversary being on Halloween of all days. No, we are not a goth, spiderweb and skull obsessed (ok, maybe a little obsessed with skulls) couple, but the venue was way cheaper on Halloween! Can't blame us, right? Anyway, Matt is originally from England and I from the great state of Texas. We met while living in Chicago a few years ago, got married and made it back to Texas as quick as we could.
At the end of 2010 we decided to start trying for a baby, and amazingly got pregnant the first month. For years I had had what everyone told me was an irrational fear that I would not be able to conceive, but I was seemingly proven wrong with our quick success. The weeks and months that followed were a rollercoaster of great highs and even lower lows. The day before going in for our first OB appointment at 8 weeks I started having a little bit of pain in my lower abdomen. It was probably unrelated, but I was so anxious after waiting so long to finally have my first appointment that I went in for an ultrasound just to check out what was going on. There was no explanation for the pain, but unfortunately there was no heartbeat either. The "baby" was there, just where it should be, but there was no heartbeat. The doctor told me to give it a week and come back..so in a week I went back expecting the worst, and miraculously the baby had grown and there it was!! A heartbeat!!! I could NOT believe it. Matt couldn't be with me at that appointment, so I called him frantically crying and gushing that we were the luckiest people on Earth etcetc. Another week passed, and we went in for our "first" big OB appointment. The sonogram part came first, and yet again our hopes were dashed as the baby's heartbeat was absent.
That miscarriage was painful enough as we had seen a heartbeat, I had had no bleeding and there was no explanation for it. It just seemed SO incredibly unfair. I was supposed to be due on November 7th, 2011 and had already thought how great it would be to have a baby so close to our anniversary, have a new baby for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and be able to drink by the time the holidays rolled around!! It was as if everything was PERFECT, and then it was all gone. Everyone said I should not worry because I had gotten pregnant so easily the first time that it was bound to happen again. Well here we are a year after we first started trying, beyond my due date, past the holidays...and we have yet to get pregnant again.
This blog will be my chronicle of the past year and my diary of the days, weeks and months to come in our struggle with unexplained infertility. During this journey I have realized how important it is to hear stories of others going through the same/similar ordeals. I have been somewhat of a silent follower, googling my quesitons, worries and fears incessantly but never contributing much of my own. Going to change that, though, starting now! Here is our story...hopefully it will help someone, somewhere.